Yes, I can honestly say, today was a good day.

It started off mundane enough. If anything, it had all the makings of a bad day: gray, cloudy, rainy outside; didn’t sleep well the night before; & woke up later than I’d wanted.

But finally got out the door & went to meet one of the members of my writing group for coffee. I dragged my laptop along with me, I guess with the intention of writing; but I didn’t. Instead, we ended up having a 3 hour conversation that really just made my day. We talked about writing & our respective novels, & our respective procrastination. We’re both on the same page. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone. I explained the plot of my WIP & it was nice to hear someone else say it sounded interesting. It was also good to bounce some ideas off on her & get feedback. If anything, it gave me a little kick in the butt that I really have something here & I need to get it done already!

But for the most part we talked about our lives. The nice thing about her is that she actually has a lot of the same spiritual beliefs as my mother. My mother was very involved in metaphysical/new age thinking, as well as her Native American belief system. So, she wasn’t exactly your typical mother. She always kept it interesting to say the least. So talking to her, it was nice to be around someone who thinks the way my mother did. Our get together really put me in a great mood even though we were talking about death. Go figure.

Then this evening I got to have fun. I went to the New Kids on the Block concert here in LA. Yes, I was/am a New Kids on the Block fan. Nsync & Backstreet Boys were after my time. I went to my first New Kids concert here in LA when I was 14 with my oldest/best friend C. Funny enough, my mother bought me the tickets for my 14th birthday. I went on to see them 2 more times in concert as a teenager. One trip even involved my mother driving me from Albuquerque to Phoenix. And the other involved her booking us a room at the same hotel they were staying at in Albuquerque in an attempt for me and my 15-year old friends to try & meet them. We didn’t succeed. She supported my teenage obsessions to say the least. Later, when I was in college in Boston, I went to a record signing & got their last CD before they broke up signed by all of them. So, to say the least, I was SOOOO going to see them in concert on this reunion tour. Admittedly, my music taste has matured to say the least. And I’ll be the first to admit their old material does not hold up well when listened to now. But still, C & I got tickets & saw them on October 6 here in LA, a couple weeks after my mother died. Then, it was a great distraction. We ended up having such a great time that we decided to see if we could get tickets to their 2nd added LA date. The tickets only came through this morning. Really short notice, but we were there. Again, it was so much fun. Before we went to the October concert, I hadn’t listened to their new album. Not really my taste. And I’ll be the first to admit I really thought that October show was going to be painful. I was prepared to be tortured. So, when it wasn’t & it turned out to be a hell of a lot of fun, I was pleasently surprised. And yes, the old songs actually held up pretty well live. Shocking I know. This time I had actually listened to their new album. I hate to admit it (REALLY, I do), but it’s actually kind of good. I’ve struggled when trying to listen to music in recent weeks. Apparently the bulk of the stuff on my iPod is depressing, serious, or sentimental. So, this album is just pure fluff. And fluff is what I need these days. So, yes, as much as it pains me, I have been listening to it a lot. So, this time I actually knew the new songs as well as the old ones. The whole thing was just fun. I’ve been to a lot of concerts in a lot of genres & surprisingly, these last 2 concerts of theirs rank as the funnest (yes, I know that’s not a word) concerts I’ve ever been to. Everybody was up out of their seats the whole time, at both. Yes, there were cringe worthy moments, but still, they were a good laugh. And that just made my day.

To cap off the evening: We had taken the metro to the concert. When we went to catch the last train to head home, we’d missed it. We had to call to get someone to pick us up. The funny thing: the exact same thing happened in October. Then we had to have my younger brother come pick us up. This time C’s younger sister had to pick us up. It just brings so many flashbacks of having our mothers pick us up from the New Kids’ concerts when we were teenagers. An amusing way to end the evening.

Oh, and when I got home, I got a text from another one of my best friends who was in India on business. I was concerned about him with the attacks that have been going there all day. I knew he was leaving today, but wasn’t sure what time. I got a text when I got home tonight saying he had just landed in the US. Good news.

A good day. Kind of nice.

Image: nigel appleton via flickr

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8 weeks.

Yes, I’m still counting. I can’t not.

Started the day at my writing group. Got in a 1000 words. Tiny tiny dent. Still woefully behind. Today is the half-way mark for NaNoWriMo. Um, I should be at 25,000. Let’s just say I’m a tad bit behind.

After had lunch with a friend. Chinese. Very good.

Then, came home to clean up in preparation for the write-out at my house this evening. The dogs ran around making a mess in every spot I’d just cleaned. Typical. Then ran to the market to get food & wine to keep us writing.

Made it home just in time for people to start arriving. The write-out was good. For the most part we hung out, talked, & ate; but we did get a little writing in. I got in another 1,000 words. Finally broke 7,500 words. It was kind of fun to hang out with them & write at home. The dogs were well behaved. All their quirks were on full display. They entertained as usual.

The vet called with results from Leo’s blood tests. All normal. Another hurdle passed successfully. Two more to go: surgery & results.

(It’s benign.

It’s benign.

It’s benign.)

A busy enough day to keep me from obsessing over the fact that it’s been 8 weeks. But did find myself noting the time when I came home that day & found her. I realize I do that every Saturday. I wonder when that will stop. Probably the same time I stop counting the weeks. In other words, no time soon.

Image: tanakawho via flickr

I’ll thank the dogs for getting me up early & not letting me hit the snooze button on the alarm clock for an extra hour like I wanted to this morning. Definitely feel like I got a full day to do the stuff that needed to get done. Not all of it got done. But the big things I wanted to get done I got done: secured a new writer for the newsletter I help put together and gave the dogs a bath (No, it wasn’t retribution for making me get up so early; they needed it.).

As for my NaNoWriMo word count…status quo. I know I know. Horribly, horribly behind. Progress would be one of those things that didn’t get done today. Saturday is the half-way mark. Yeah, I’m nowhere near the half-way mark. But, my writing group is coming over Saturday evening & we’re going to write till we can’t write anymore. I should make some progress.

Ok day.

Currently listening to: Angel by Sarah McLachlan & Josh Groban

Today was ok, despite the 7 week mark. I hate to use the word anniversary. An anniversary is something that should be celebrated. I will never feel like celebrating this. Instead, I’m marking time. Time since.

I went to my writing group this morning & got the kick in the butt I needed. The nice thing is we’re all behind on NaNoWriMo, although, I’m the most behind. Hey, I’m competitive. If I’m going to be behind, than I’m going to be the most behind. Only got about 400 words in during our session. Yes, we got distracted talking about life & writing. Still, it got me in the mood.

I came home, pulled back the curtains, opened up the windows and front door, burned some sage (An obsession these days. My mother used to burn it, thus it reminds me of her.), put some music on the stereo system, curled up in the leather chair in the living room, propped my feet up on the ottoman, and wrote all afternoon. It was a beautiful day. I didn’t mind being cooped-up since everything was open & I could see outside.

Overall, I did 2518 words today. Not bad. I went with the new direction I mentioned earlier this week. So far it’s working. And I think I can see it continuing to work down the line. I’m hoping it does because it’s feeling really comfortable. It feels like it’s allowing me to finally get everything I want into the story, and all where I need it all to be. Good thoughts that it will continue to work & that this is the answer I’ve been looking for.  But still aware that it could all prove to be quite a disaster.

The plan tomorrow is to try & get at least 3000 words. I’ll be nowhere near caught up, but at least I’ll be making a tiny dent.

I know I usually buy flowers on Saturdays, but instead wound up buying some yesterday. A little pot of yellow roses that are currently sitting on the kitchen counter. I decided to go with something that will last a little longer than cut flowers.

Today still felt heavy despite it being ok. It still doesn’t feel anymore real. I caught myself thinking I needed to ask her if I should put a rug down next to the sofa in the spot where Teddy, our other dog, likes to sleep. The idea of making changes to the house still feels weird. Admittedly I’ve rearranged things. But, the only real addition are the pictures on the shelf. (I need them to remember her another way.) I haven’t brought anything new into the house. Her things are still all around. Her books on the bookshelves, her computer on the desk, her cellphone & glasses on the counter, her purse and jacket on the coatrack, and all her things in her room. Having her stuff around doesn’t bother me. Admittedly, maybe it should. Maybe it’s holding me back, but right now it’s keeping me together. And, right now, that’s the most important thing.

7 weeks. The day could have been worse. I’m glad it wasn’t. But I still hate this.

Image: Claudecf via flickr

I realized today, that since that day, I’ve been listening to my iPod on shuffle. I never do that. I’ve been cycling through all 5000+ of my songs rather than a playlist based on my favorites or my mood of the moment. I’m too scattered, unfocused, and disconnected to narrow down my choices or determine what I like.

I have the same problem with food. When I go out with friends or family, they ask what I want & I have to tell them, “I honestly don’t know. I can’t make a choice.” And I can’t. I’m not just being indecisive. I am that disconnected from what I want. I’ve solved the problem of cooking & feeding myself by basing the decision on whatever is easiest or closest to the front of the refrigerator. Grocery shopping, however, is still a bit of a disaster. It takes me forever to come out with either not enough stuff or stuff I’ll never eat.

I guess I’ll know I’m getting back to normal when I can make these decisions without realizing it.

…as for NaNoWriMo…yeah, I could make excuses, but I’ll just be honest. I’ve done absolutely nothing. I’m just looking forward to my writing group on Saturday morning. Maybe then I’ll be able to get back in a groove. And there’s still tomorrow. There’s always hope.

Image: nerovivo via flickr

I guess it’s good that I’m only counting in weeks & not days, hours, or minutes. Although, that is likely due to the fact that I can’t keep track of one day or the next. Weeks are more manageable units of time, larger. Still, I have trouble even fathoming that five of them have now passed.

I still find myself wanting to tell her things. I tell her in my head. It’s not the same.

Today was ok, good I guess. I spent the morning at my writing group. As a result I’m thinking of going on to draft #2 of the WIP. I was looking at it today & I realized I’ve done so much & put in so much time & effort to get from beginning to end of one draft. I feel like I should carry through & finish it. But still, I have moments–like now–where I think I should move on to something else. I have a vague idea, but all this new idea has amounted to is a bunch of random lines floating around in my head & a blank page. At this point, the easier of the two is to go on to draft #2 of the WIP. At least I know that story. So, I’m not quite sure what I’m doing yet…just a week until NaNoWriMo starts. I’m thinking I’ll dive into draft #2 with the understanding that the story could change; or that once I’m working on it, whatever this new thing floating around in my head is might finally materialize on paper.

We’ll see. Today I actually felt ok with the idea of picking up the WIP & working on draft #2. I guess that idea of living deliberately kicked in a little today. I really do want to be ready for the writer’s conference in February, & I know I have a good story in what I was working on. I don’t want to get off track. And while I know so much has happened that it’s understandable for me to get off track & take a new one, I no longer like the idea of giving up something that I’ve literally spent years working on. The difference a few days, a few weeks can make. So, as I said, we’ll see. I’m just going to let what happens happen. But first, I need to finish reading draft #1. Although, once I do that, I might be more than willing to chuck it for something new. Kidding.

Let’s see, spent the rest of the afternoon spending some quality time with the dogs outside to make up for my absence yesterday, & went to lunch & for a little shopping with my brother’s girlfriend’s sister (that sounds way more complicated than it is). We’ve never really hung out before, but it was nice. So, I guess, a new friend.

Now, I’m watching Casino Royale for the six-millionth time on cable. It’s on whenever there seems to be nothing else on, which is good since I actually really like the movie. I so prefer Daniel Craig as James Bond. I am looking forward to the new movie in just a few short weeks. Yeah…although I read earlier today that it’s getting mixed reviews. Nonetheless, I will see it.

So, all in all, not a bad day. A good day even. I wish that was easier to say.

I still hate this.