Even I’m starting to wonder when I’m going to lose track of how many weeks have passed.

Well, didn’t really get any more details today on what’s next for Leo. The vet got called into an emergency, so only could remove his sutures & give me a call later. She did call this afternoon, but somehow I missed it. I think I was outside at the time. She did say that she wasn’t going to give me timelines on voicemail; they aren’t good. Not sure what “aren’t good” is–weeks, months, a year? She did say that the timeline with chemo was better. She’ll give me a call on Monday to go over everything in more detail. Honestly, I don’t mind waiting. I know I’ve been wanting to know what’s next, but now that I should know it, I really don’t care to know. I know I can’t avoid it entirely, but I’m in no rush. Although, I guess it would be better to get started on whatever comes next sooner rather than later. But I doubt waiting until Monday is really going to change anything.

One thing that did come out of today’s vet visit, Leo now has to take Benadryl–25mg, twice a day. Apparently, the tumor produces histamine or his body is producing it to fight the tumor. Not quite sure. Didn’t really understand the vet tech’s explanation. I’m just going with it for now, & will follow up with the vet when I talk to her. It was fun trying to get him to take the pill. Leo isn’t a pill taker. He’s well known in the vet office for his ability to spit out a pill even after you’re sure he swallowed it. It took about 6 attempts before I got it down his throat. I lucked out with finally hiding it in some canned dog food; this usually doesn’t work, thus it was not my first method. But before this worked, he actualy spit it out & it fell down my shirt. My white t-shirt is now stained hot pink from the coating on the pill. Lovely.

When I take 25mg of Benadryl, I’m a zombie. So far, he seems to have faired much better than me. Yes, he slept a good solid 4-hours earlier today. But he was up & alert for dinner & a little indoor play, but now he’s back to sleep. I’ll know whether or not it’s really affecting him if he misses his 9 PM whine session. This is a nightly occurrence when he likes to howl/sing to you for a good 10 minutes to get your attention. I can’t tell if he’s telling on his brother, my other dog Teddy; or bitching me out for not spending my entire day throwing his toy around. Usually it ends in me chasing him around the house for a bit to get whatever excess energy he has out, & then him going off to bed. Yes, he’s weird.

So, today was benign. Just hung out at home. I didn’t want to leave Leo home alone since I wasn’t sure what the Benadryl would do to him. I ended up watching the Christian Slater movie, Bed of Roses, on cable. Not bad. I vaguely remember seeing it years ago. But must say, it really was predictable in its timing. I was watching the clock during the last half-hour & could totally tell when key plot points were going to need to happen to provide some resolution. This is the problem with writing seriously & studying the mechanics: you over analyze every story. Yes, a great learning tool, but can really kill a film or book.

Oh yeah, NaNoWriMo ends tomorrow. I think all 4 of my writing group members are going to hit the 50K mark this year. I alas am not. But I’m fine with it. Life just got in the way, & slowed me down a bit. Slowing down isn’t a bad thing. I know what I need to do & I’m sure I want to move forward with this story & draft #2. So, I’ll just plug away through December and January & see where I am by February.

So, overall, benign day. I’ll settle for that.

Image: Leo Reynolds via flickr

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So, today was ok. Was able to put much of the depressing thoughts out of mind for the better part of the day. I’m trying not to think about Leo’s prognosis, mainly because I don’t know what it is yet. I did make the mistake of googling the type of tumor the vet said he had. Probably shouldn’t have done that. I’ve decided to just wait for the rest of the info from the vet & I’ll go from there.

My mother got my brother & me our first dogs when our parents divorced. I guess it was our divorce settlement & probably a way for my mother to get back at my father–he’s allergic. Those first 2 dogs, Sammy & Benny, adorable Basset Hounds, both died of very serious illnesses. Sammy was diagnosed with Valley Fever when he was 3. He died a year later. Benny was diagnosed with Lymphoma when he was 9. We had to put him to sleep the day I moved home from college. Our family policy has always been that as long as our dogs are not in pain, enjoying life, & seem happy, then we’re good. If they’re in pain or their quality of life is compromised, then we don’t prolong their life just to make it easier on ourselves. So, I’m trying to remember this.

Today, Leo is completely himself. He has the energy of a hyper 2-year old. I don’t know yet how many more days like this there will be. There’s no way to know that. We just have to take it 1 day at a time.

God, I’m way to rational right now. I have my moments. And then I have others.

Seriously, I really need to fundamentally, mind-blowingly good news soon!

I really can’t take much more.

9 weeks ago today my mother died. Today I got the results of my dog Leo’s biopsy results. The mass was malignant.

Not the news I wanted or needed. Believe me, I know life could be worse; but right now, it pretty much fucking sucks.

Having these dogs with me the last 9 weeks has helped me cope with everything. There’s nothing like a dog demanding to be let out or fed to get you out of bed every day. I’ve lost dogs before. But right now, I really can’t handle this. Maybe in a year. Maybe 2. Ok, realistically there will never be an easy time. But some time far off in the future would be much better than now.

I don’t have a lot of details right now. I kind of lost focus as the doctor was talking to me. So, I don’t really remember the specific name or anything else. All I remember is that she is checking on prognosis stats for chemo & no treatment. I should know more later this week, if not by Saturday when Leo goes back in to get his sutures removed.

You know, I could wrap my head around this better if he actually displayed symptoms of being sick. But he’s perfectly himself & every other test result, EXCEPT this biopsy, is normal.

I really miss my mom right now.

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.