I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I did something I haven’t done since before my mother died.

I went for a drive with no destination & then ended up at a cafe & sat & read for a couple hours.

I love to drive with no destination. It helps clear my mind. It lets me think. It’s usually the best way for me to work through my writing issues & story problems or ideas. I guess I really haven’t wanted to think in a while, so I haven’t done it. But it was a really nice day today & I really just wanted to be out, but still in my own world. I don’t know that I did too much thinking. This drive seemed to be more about just being in the moment & doing something from my old routine.

The same can be said of sitting and reading at a cafe. I’ve had a reallly hard time sitting still & focusing lately, so there has been no appeal in sitting alone at a cafe & reading, & focusing. But maybe the drive brought it on. Maybe this is me getting back in touch with my old routine & finding away to integrate the person I am now, & where my head is now, back into it. It’s not to say that I’m at all comfortable with letting my mind wander. But I guess I’m getting more comfortable with the quiet I used to love & being alone in it.

Progress I suppose.

Image: ‘SeraphimC via flickr

Today I finally got back to the gym. Haven’t been since…. Not that there was any connection between the gym & my mother’s death. I guess it was just part of my old routine that for some reason I hadn’t yet reintergrated into my new routine. So, we’ll see how good I am about going. Fingers crossed. It’s good for me.

It’s pouring rain now; a novelty here in LA. While I usually love the rain, I’m not such a big fan right now. The fact that I just drove home in it in the dark doesn’t help to improve my opinion. It’s not exactly conducive to a happy mood. But still, I’m ok today. And the day is over any way.

Another one down.

Oh, and don’t worry, I haven’t forgot about the upcoming holiday. Thanksgiving. Honestly, I’m not too worried about it. Thanksgiving really hadn’t been a major holiday for us in a while. Plus, I spent 10 years away from home on Thanksgiving. I’m kind of used to a low key Thanksgiving. For the most part that’s what this will be. I will be meeting up with a couple of my uncles & my grandmother to go eat dinner out–our family tradition. Yes, I’m definitely going to notice my mother’s absence. This is her family. Besides, she hated eating out & last year swore she wasn’t going to do it again. It’s my grandmother who is against anyone cooking. She doesn’t see why anyone should go to the trouble. My mother had planned to make a point of either cooking for the family this year or doing our own thing without her family. But now, I’m going on my own. After that, I’ll probably go to a family friend’s for dinner with my father. There should be enough distraction there that I won’t notice, but at the same time, I know I will. There’s no sense in fighting it or thinking otherwise. What I’m really dreading is Christmas. But I’m not ready to go there yet. I’m putting those plans off until I have to make a decision. Honestly, I’d be happy if the next 4 weeks would just disappear from the calendar this year. No chance of that I guess.