avlxyz via flickr

Image: avlxyz via flickr

I’ll gloss over the fact that today is Valentine’s Day. I don’t buy into it. Ok, I’m currently single which could be coloring my view of the whole thing, but I digress.

21 Saturdays now. Not any easier. I made an effort today to try & do something I would normally have done on a Saturday afternoon. More often than not the last 21 Saturdays I’ve found myself at home around the time that I found her. My writing group ends at noon, & I’m usually home by 1 to check on the dogs, & then I just tend to get stuck at home. I don’t have the motivation to do much on Saturday afternoons–especially right around that time. If someone invites me out for that time period, I’m fine. But if left to my own devices, I seem to find myself here. Sometimes I’ll read, sometimes TV, sometimes just sitting outside, sometimes on the laptop; but here. So, today, I made an effort. I went & wandered around a bookstore for the afternoon; something, I oddly don’t think I’ve done in months. I know I have been in bookstores in the last 21 weeks. I have the books & magazines to prove it. But I don’t think I’ve just wandered as I would have any other Saturday afternoon before. So, today I did. I found a couple books to add to my to read list: (more…)

The nice thing about blogging through this experience is the comments of support & commiseration I’ve received. Actually, one of the comments I received led me to check out someone else’s blog. There, I discovered what it is I really am mourning.

I’m not mourning the past. I am mourning the future.

I know I had a good relationship with my mother. I don’t regret any moment of the 33-years I had with her. Yes, I wish I had asked her more questions or told her more; but still, I have no regrets. What is now the past was good.

It’s the future that I’m mourning. I’m mourning what she will not be here for. She won’t be there to answer the phone when I call after work to ask if she wants me to pick up food. She won’t be at my brother’s graduation next May. She won’t be there to celebrate any birthdays or holidays. She won’t be there to tell me how old I am in a picture taken when I was a child. She won’t be there when/if I get married. She won’t be there when/if I have a child.

That’s what I’m mourning. It’s the reality of the future that is setting in. It’s the future that’s hard.

Image: brun_o via flickr