Currently listening to: Cloud Nine by Ben Howard

I just tweeted:

Yes, still up & writing. Going w/it. This week: all abt going w/what feels good. My mind & soul r a bit beat. Being careful w/them.

If I’ve learned anything in the last 15 months of dealing with loss & grief, it’s to go slow, to take my time, to go with what feels right in the moment. Believe me, I’ve had more than a few people in the last year tell me to hurry up and move on, to dive into work, to drown myself in it until I’ve managed to forget. The problem is the death of a loved one cannot be forgotten. And avoidance only avoids your new reality. (more…)

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jalama

This is where I will be today.

Image: pOOfkAt via flickr

Image: pOOfkAt via flickr

Well, this is just weird.

In the mail today was a card addressed to my mother. Inside, a “Get Well” card signed by a bunch of people saying various things like:

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Our prayers are with you for your health and healing.

Both my brother & I read the card thinking maybe it was a sympathy card for us, but it’s clear that it is a “Get Well” card. The handwritten notes are about getting well, wishing her good health, and they’re all in the present tense. I even checked the post-mark to make sure the post office hadn’t somehow screwed up and sent this late. But still, that wouldn’t make sense. She wasn’t sick before she died. It was sudden & unexpected. (more…)

Image: nomenombres via flickr

Image: nomenombres via flickr

Today marks 1 week until the first anniversary of my mother’s death.

I’m facing it with a bit of dread, but also openness to wherever my emotions take me. I realize I can’t fight what is coming, or what already is. I’d rather let myself go with the flow. Neither bottling up nor putting off what is to come is going to make it any easier.

The last couple of days have been a bit rough. At first I just thought it was because of other life drama, but then I realized I was reacting more emotionally to situations that at any other time I would have let slide. So, I’ve just given myself permission to overreact right now. Most of the people around me know what is going on and have thankfully forgiven me and my mood. (more…)

Image: Caros Lines via Flickr

Image: Caro's Lines via Flickr

10 months. Yes, it’s getting easier. The day passed with no tears & only a tad bit of mopiness. Still, while I’ve lost count of the number of weeks, I’m still hyper aware of this date, & will probably be so for some time to come. All I know is that 10 months feels like 10 days and 10 years  in the same instant. It’s odd how time progresses when it comes to death.

For now, 10 months means 2 months to 1-year. I choose not to consciously think about coming to that mark. I’ll ignore it as long as possible.

boxesI spent this past Friday packing up my mother’s room. In the immediate weeks after she died, my brother & I had tried to do it, but couldn’t. It was too soon. We had agreed that it was something we would do later, together. Well, circumstances forced me to do it Friday, alone.

For the most part, I packed her things up into storage containers to be stored in the garage. A few things were more easily sent off to Goodwill. While I couldn’t bear to part with her clothes, I could let go of her shoes. I really don’t understand the logic of that. But, then again, how am I supposed to logically wrap my mind around the fact that I’m packing up my mother’s room & getting rid of some of her things when I still illogically expect her to walk through the door & apologize for being gone so long. (more…)

Image: clevercupcakes via flickr

Image: clevercupcakes via flickr

I’m another year older. To be honest, I have no problem with getting older. Mainly because I truly don’t feel my age. Although, I’m not entirely sure what 34 is supposed to feel like. Nor for that matter what 33 was supposed to feel like.  I joke that I’m really only turning 24 since the 30’s are the new 20’s. Not that I feel like I’m 24, but I do feel more like someone in their late 20’s. I guess because I’m at a stage where I’m all about figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. That’s what you’re supposed to do in your 20’s. Unfortunately, I don’t think I had lived enough to figure out or know what I wanted to do with my life or who I wanted to be during my 20’s. Now that I’m older and wiser (?), I feel like I can actually work through that process. (more…)