As 2009 draws to a close, I decided to look back at my post for January 1, 2009. In that post, I decided in lieu of New Years’ resolutions I was going to come up with 4 words that would define my life in 2009. I chose:

CONNECTED

CENTERED

ACTUALIZED

PROSPERED

I’d say that 2 out of 4 is where I’ve ended up at the end of the year. (more…)

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TheTruthAbout via flickr

Image: TheTruthAbout via flickr

(I’m getting bad about actually posting this on Saturdays….)

Saturday was actually a nice day. Started it out at my writing group. No writing, but we had a really great discussion about writing in general that was reaffirming.

Spent the afternoon watching TV & vegging out. It was raining, so perfect excuse to curl up on the sofa & do absolutely nothing.

Then in the evening, my oldest/best friend invited me over to dinner with her parents, sisters, husband, & kids. They are essentially my surrogate family. My friend, her mom, & her sister were the first people here the day my mother died. So, I love hanging out with them, even if it inevitably reminds me that my mom isn’t there. But, I guess that’s the price to be paid to have a few hours of distraction.

—–

Today, Sunday, actually proved to be the bad day. I miss having my mother to talk to. The unfortunate thing, at this point in my life, is that she was the one person who I could talk to about everything. So, today when I was thinking about somethings & everything, I realized there wasn’t one person who I felt I could call & talk to about it all. I really just started missing my mother, which of course led to tears. They come with the territory. I don’t know. I’d just like things to get easier–not necessarily the missing my mother (that I don’t expect to get easier), but how about life. It would just be nice.

Image: TheTruthAbout via flickr

Everything happens for a reason. Everything is a lesson. Nothing is a disaster. Nothing is the end of the world. That’s what my mother taught me.

In the last 3 months my mother died unexpectedly, our family dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer, & I dislocated my knee cap on Christmas Eve resulting in crutches & a straight leg brace. While each of these events have tested my will, my faith, my optimism, none of them has knocked me out (even though any one probably should have). I don’t believe I’m any stronger than anyone else. I’m devastated. I have minutes, hours, days where I just want to scream. I want to rail against the unfairness of it all. I want to be bitter that I’ve been dealt all this at once. I cry. I breakdown. I wind up on the kitchen floor in the fetal position, now & again. But then, I have to get up. I can’t keep it up. I can’t sustain the tears, the sobbing, the depression. I just get tired. For me, it’s more exhausting to give in than to get up & try again. (more…)

Today I got a little advice from an acquaintance of my mother that I guess makes sense.

Now, I need to live my life deliberately.

I admit, in the last month, I’ve been rather passive. I could manage little else.

But, it makes sense. My mother wouldn’t want me to withdraw or lose my way. She helped create an environment in which I could lead the life I wanted. I know it’s now my job to continue what she put me on the path to do.

Easier said than done.

Today was ok again. Pretty busy. Ran some errands. Cleaned the house. Went to the market. Did some work. Visited with a friend. Made some phone calls. Oil change for the car in preparation for tomorrow’s drive up to Santa Barbara. I’m looking forward to the drive. Long drives relax me, and are usually good for writing ideas.

I bought a calendar today. The only one available starts in January. Still, I was able to mark down some goals. The key one being submitting pages for critique at the Southern California Writer’s Conference in February. Still not sure what those pages are going to be–draft #2 of the WIP or something new. My writing group meets on Saturday. Last Saturday before NaNoWriMo starts. Hopefully I’ll have a decision or at least an idea by then.

So, I need to go about this new chapter of my life deliberately. I’ll try.

Mood: Wondering how 4 hours have already gotten away from me…

Currently listening to: SW by Blonde Redhead

As previously mentioned, I’ve been reading Barbara Sher’s Refuse to Choose. One of her recommendations for finding a “life” that works for you is to find a schedule that allows you to do everything you want to do, so that you don’t feel like you are denying yourself anything. My goal this week, as I decompress from finishing draft #1 and gear up for draft #2, is to set up a schedule for myself. I work from home for the most part, so I can set my schedule. But most days I find that I end up doing all the stuff I have to do, and not the stuff I want to do. And it’s not that there isn’t enough time in the day. It’s that the day just gets away from me. Part of it is that I’m easily distracted, & the other part is that sometimes I don’t want to do what I’m doing, so it takes longer than it has to.

One of her recommendations is to set up a schedule like the one you had in school. You know, where from 8-8:15 you had homeroom; 8:20-9:20 English; 9:30-10:30 Calculus; 10:40-11:40 Chemistry; 11:40-12:40 Lunch; 12:50-1:50 History; and 2:00-3:00 Art. Your life and your attention span was divided into short chucks of time. Every hour you got to work on something new. Well, I think this might work for me. So, I’m trying to figure out a daily/weekly schedule that works for me. Something that makes me do work, but also allows me to schedule in my other interests, like, I don’t know, writing.

I keep trying to plan out my schedule and so far haven’t quite found one that works. There are some things I need to do daily and there are other things I only need to do a couple times a week. So, I need to figure out what days are for what. I guess mine will be more like a college schedule, where your poli sci class met Tuesday & Thursdays and your French class Monday, Wednesday, & Friday.

Here’s everything I’m trying to include:

  • work
  • writing my novel
  • attempting to get moving on that freelance writing goal
  • blogging
  • email & other internet distractions
  • going to the gym on a regular basis (some weeks are better than others)
  • a yoga class at least twice a week (my back needs this)
  • and something else I’m sure I’m forgetting

When I list it out like that it doesn’t seem like much. But whenever I try to alot hours for each task/activity, my day ends up starting very early & running very late. Not ideal. If I wanted that, I’d still be working in an office. So, I will keep refining till I get it right, becuase I can’t keep letting the day get away from me.