I’m going to admit something…and yes, it pains me to do so.

I have been listening to the new New Kids on the Block album non-stop for the last 2 weeks.

Nope, nothing else. I wish.

I have 5424 songs on my iPod, over 600 different artists, and 970 albums. And yet, I’m stuck on repeat with this one.

And no, I’m not listening to it because it’s in some way genius or ground-breaking for its genre. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not experimental on any level. Most of the lyrics are derivative. I would argue it’s a tad overproduced & it sounds like every other pop/R&B album out there. Plus, as a general rule, I don’t listen to pop or R&B.

So, why the hell am I, someone who considers Radiohead brilliant, Imogen Heap creative, Interpol & Damien Rice engaging, Silversun Pickups the best band to come out of LA in recent years, someone who makes a yearly pilgrimage to spend 3-days in the California desert at Coachella, unable to turn the damn thing off?

Maybe nostalgia. But mainly because, as I briefly mentioned in a previous post, it’s complete & utter fluff. And at the moment, the rest of the 969 albums on my iPod depress me, remind me, or require me to think. And those are just not things I really want to do when I listen to music right now.

There is not a serious or profound line to be had on this album, & I’m glad.

Yes, music heals, but it also reminds & drives my mood. I have enough external & internal influences that do that without music having its say as well.

I love music. I think the iPod was one of the greatest inventions ever. Before it existed, I’d been known to carry a 100-CD carrying case around Europe when traveling. I don’t like silence. I can’t drive without the radio on. I hate talk radio. I can’t read without something playing. I can’t write without something in the background. So the fact that all but 1 album on my iPod manages not to set me off in the wrong direction…I’m just rolling with it.

At this point, I’d thought I’d be tired of the damn thing. Really, I was sure this would come to an end sometime this weekend. Seriously, how many times can I listen to this thing?!?! Even I admit this is ridiculous & seriously screwing with my last.fm profile.

But as I sit here waiting for the vet to call to give me Leo’s prognosis with chemo, while trying not to be reminded that today is my brother’s 1st birthday without our mother, it’s the only thing keeping me from climbing the walls. So, I accept it & I’ll go hit repeat one more time.

Image: …..dotted….. via flickr

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I realized today, that since that day, I’ve been listening to my iPod on shuffle. I never do that. I’ve been cycling through all 5000+ of my songs rather than a playlist based on my favorites or my mood of the moment. I’m too scattered, unfocused, and disconnected to narrow down my choices or determine what I like.

I have the same problem with food. When I go out with friends or family, they ask what I want & I have to tell them, “I honestly don’t know. I can’t make a choice.” And I can’t. I’m not just being indecisive. I am that disconnected from what I want. I’ve solved the problem of cooking & feeding myself by basing the decision on whatever is easiest or closest to the front of the refrigerator. Grocery shopping, however, is still a bit of a disaster. It takes me forever to come out with either not enough stuff or stuff I’ll never eat.

I guess I’ll know I’m getting back to normal when I can make these decisions without realizing it.

…as for NaNoWriMo…yeah, I could make excuses, but I’ll just be honest. I’ve done absolutely nothing. I’m just looking forward to my writing group on Saturday morning. Maybe then I’ll be able to get back in a groove. And there’s still tomorrow. There’s always hope.

Image: nerovivo via flickr