Today I finally got back to the gym. Haven’t been since…. Not that there was any connection between the gym & my mother’s death. I guess it was just part of my old routine that for some reason I hadn’t yet reintergrated into my new routine. So, we’ll see how good I am about going. Fingers crossed. It’s good for me.

It’s pouring rain now; a novelty here in LA. While I usually love the rain, I’m not such a big fan right now. The fact that I just drove home in it in the dark doesn’t help to improve my opinion. It’s not exactly conducive to a happy mood. But still, I’m ok today. And the day is over any way.

Another one down.

Oh, and don’t worry, I haven’t forgot about the upcoming holiday. Thanksgiving. Honestly, I’m not too worried about it. Thanksgiving really hadn’t been a major holiday for us in a while. Plus, I spent 10 years away from home on Thanksgiving. I’m kind of used to a low key Thanksgiving. For the most part that’s what this will be. I will be meeting up with a couple of my uncles & my grandmother to go eat dinner out–our family tradition. Yes, I’m definitely going to notice my mother’s absence. This is her family. Besides, she hated eating out & last year swore she wasn’t going to do it again. It’s my grandmother who is against anyone cooking. She doesn’t see why anyone should go to the trouble. My mother had planned to make a point of either cooking for the family this year or doing our own thing without her family. But now, I’m going on my own. After that, I’ll probably go to a family friend’s for dinner with my father. There should be enough distraction there that I won’t notice, but at the same time, I know I will. There’s no sense in fighting it or thinking otherwise. What I’m really dreading is Christmas. But I’m not ready to go there yet. I’m putting those plans off until I have to make a decision. Honestly, I’d be happy if the next 4 weeks would just disappear from the calendar this year. No chance of that I guess.

Started the morning off with breakfast with 2 of my uncles (my mother’s brothers). My grandmother was supposed to be there, but she wasn’t feeling well. I come from a very small family, & one that’s not incredibly close. So, now I find myself not minding these Sunday family breakfasts. Even if they are a little early. We discussed my grandmother’s care & me essentially taking over my mother’s responsibilities. They were fine with it. It makes it easier to know they’re ok with it. I’m sure they don’t mind.

Then spent the rest of the afternoon taking my father to lunch & to a movie for his birthday. Totally low key. I don’t think it was lost on either of us when he said he realized that yesterday he was 63, & then all of a sudden today he was 64, another year older. My mother’s not going to get another year older.

We saw Quantum of Solace. I loved Casino Royale, so I really wanted to see this. I like the Bond franchise as a whole, but I’m more of a Daniel Craig fan. Anyways, the movie was better than the reviews made it out to be, but I definitely feel like I need to see it again to get it. I feel like I missed a few things here & there. I will admit, I do think they didn’t give enough emphasis to a few threads that were mentioned early on in the movie. But, overall, I liked it. Good distraction.

This evening I hung out at a friend’s place. Once my father left, I wasn’t really in the mood to be home alone. Felt like I needed to be with people & talking. Now, I’m home watching The Notebook (never seen it before) & typing this.

So, 2 days until Leo’s surgery. I’m not so worried about the surgery. From everything I’ve been told, it sounds like he’ll be doing okay within a couple of days. I’m staying positive & just repeating over & over: It’s benign. It’s benign. It’s benign. Good thoughts.

My father decreed this morning that we would both have good days today.

I guess I kept up my end of the bargain.

It was a decent day. Spent most of it with my grandmother, taking her to a doctor’s appointment. My mother used to handle all this stuff; now I’ve taken it on. I could have one of my uncles do it, but my mother & I always felt that they weren’t exactly proactive when she had a complaint or ailment. I guess it’s the control freak in me that can’t let it go. But it’s also about wanting to keep up the standard of care my mother gave my grandmother, & being there for her now that her daughter is not. I realize that if this is as hard on anyone else as it is for my brother & I, it’s hard on my grandmother. She lost a daughter–her third & last daughter. She also lost the child she was probably closest to. I find myself clinging to her now. She’s 88 & has said she’s ready to go. Her health is decent for an 88-year-old. She still lives alone & gets around with only the help of a cane. She looks much younger than other women her age. Even if she’s ready to go, I’m not ready. At least right now. We were the bookends to my mother. I’m not ready to be left alone yet.

Crap, I’m crying. I wasn’t & now I am.

My father hasn’t filled me in on how his day went yet. I worry so much about how my brother & grandmother are handling all this that I forget that this has to be hard on him. Yes, they’d been divorced for over 20-years; but, in recent years they’d become friends again. I know for him her loss brings up alot of guilt and regret. He’s said as much. I’ve told him that whatever their issues, my mother had long forgiven him & let them go. For so long my mother was the primary (& sometimes single) parent. Now, it’s his turn. My brother & I might be on either side of 30, but we still need a parent to raise us.

Today was ok, but full of reminders. It’s hard.

I hate this.

Image: peasap via flickr

Let’s start out on a fun note. I saw Eagle Eye today. Hadn’t planned to see it, but must say it was quite good. Highly recommend. Nice distraction. Nice to have something mundane & even fun to talk about in a post.

…and now, because no post these days would be complete without me bumming you out…

The rest of the day…not good. Spent the morning having breakfast with my grandmother–my mother’s mother. At 88, she has outlived all 3 of her daughters now–one who died before the age of 2; another who died 20 years ago in her 40s; & now my mother. It hurts to see her have to go through this, even though she seems to be holding up well. Sitting across from her, I realized I will never see my mother at that age. She will forever be frozen at age 63. I can’t wrap my head around that.

Then spent the better part of the afternoon & evening with my father at the aforementioned movie, then a late lunch, followed by watching the Red Sox-Devil Rays game. I’m glad for the time spent with him & want to spend as much time with him as possible; but it constantly reminds me that my mother isn’t here.

Tomorrow is 1 month.

How is that possible? Seriously. Where did all those days between then & now go, because I don’t remember making my way through them. I know I’ve woken up every morning, eaten, done something, & gone to back to sleep. But I feel as if I wasn’t there for any of it. I’m not in my body. I’m not present. I’m not quite sure where I am.

I hate this.

Image: Barb Henry via flickr