I really had planned to get some writing done, but a work project took longer than expected. Went to breakfast with one of my friends this morning, then spent some time talking to a friend of my mother’s this afternoon. It was good to talk to her. I’ve never met her before. She & my mother had lost touch a couple years ago, but I was able to get word to her of what had happened via some other mutual friends. It’s amazing how people are connected. Anyways, she had some stories to tell me. All good, some hilarious. She really understood my mother’s quirks…and here I thought I was the only one who used to be driven crazy by them! Then this evening went to dinner with friends. I ended up seated next to a 2-year old who I spent the evening entertaining. I didn’t catch much of the adult conversation, but on the upside, when’s the last time I played with play-doh?!?!

I could write now, but to be honest, & yes, this might be an excuse, I just want to sit & watch TV. I feel like I’m rarely home anymore. I know I actually am because I have to check on the dogs & hang out with them. But still, the idea of spending an evening just watching TV really appeals to me. I’ll get on it tomorrow. Besides I figure my writing group will give me the kick in the butt I need tomorrow morning.

Oh, talked to the vet today regarding Leo. The tests were inconclusive. So, now potentially looking at surgery to remove the lump. Will know better next week when he has an appointment with his regular doctor. So, fingers crossed & positive thoughts that it’s still nothing.

Alright. Time to veg in front of the TV. I SWEAR I will get on the writing tomorrow. Don’t worry, my procrastination is even starting to annoy the crap out of me!

I guess today didn’t totally suck.

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It hit me on the way home tonight. I can’t call her. I can’t come home & tell her something. I almost dialed her number tonight to ask her if she wanted me to pick up any food on my way home.

A month has gone by. It feels like yesterday. I don’t know where the time has gone. Usually getting through a month of anything means you should be used to whatever you were marking time for. Usually it means there’s some reward at the end. After a month of this, I’m neither used to any of it, nor I’m I closer to any reward. I don’t get to talk to or see her.

I’ve started crying & I can’t stop.

For the most part, today was ok. I had lunch with old family friends–my best friend’s mother who I’ve known since I was 6, & who was a friend of my mother’s; and one of my best friend’s sisters. They were the first ones here that day. They stayed with me all that night.

It wasn’t till 10 o’clock tonight that everything hit me & that I started falling apart. Although, it’s kind of hard to fall apart when you’re already so scattered. I don’t even know how to start picking up the pieces.

So, my new thing to mark the 20th…I’d thought I’d have most of the day free. Didn’t. That was probably good. I guess the best I can do today is I tried radishes for the first time today. They weren’t bad.

Image: Red Giraffe via flickr

Today I actually did something that felt productive. Yeah, I’ve been working the last couple of days, but that just feels like going through the motions. I was talking to a friend of my mom’s earlier today. Without her, carrying out my mother’s wishes would have been difficult to say the least. With her, everything went perfectly (for lack of a better word!). It just so happens, that my mom’s friend lost her own mother 2 weeks to the day after my mother died. Her mother was much older than mine & had been ill for sometime. So, the death was expected. But still, talking to her today, I realized she understood what I was feeling & how I was getting through my days.

We got to talking about the genealogy research my mother had done on the Native American tribe we are members of. I mentioned that I had found all the documents, but there is no clear family tree. There are a bunch of indecipherable charts with some names I remember her mentioning, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. My mom’s friend suggested I try focusing on that right now. Something to do. So, I got off the phone with her, & started going through & organizing all the papers. I came to the conclusion I need help to figure it all out. Luckily there is an anthropologist at the museum near where the tribe is located. I know my mother worked with him to do some of the family research. I googled him, got his email address, & sent him an email asking for help. He responded almost immediately & I’m driving up north to meet him next Friday. He’s offered to help me put together a family tree from the research I have.

Since my mother died, the thing I’ve regretted most was that I always figured I’d have time to ask her questions about this part of our heritage & that one day she’d explain all the charts & pictures to me herself. Luckily, there are people who can fill in some of the blanks I’m left with & I’m turning to them to learn what my mother learned.

I hate to think that all my mother knew died with her. I know it didn’t. And I know she taught us the important stuff that is getting us through each day & making this a tad easier (I suppose). But there are still so many things I just thought there would be time to learn or to ask her about. So, now I’m making it my goal to at least learn some of what she spent the last 20 years learning as she figured out what she loved & what interested her, & what made her who she was.

Image: Ben McLeod via flickr