Image: flattop341 via flickr

Image: flattop341 via flickr

Friday, the day before, 5 months, was harder than today.

For the most part, the day was busy. I had my writing group in the morning & then spent the late afternoon & much of the evening at the birthday party of a family friend. “B” is the younger sister of my oldest friend. She, with my friend, & their mother, were the first people here the day my mother died. “B” has proven to be a life-saver. She has helped me with walking the dogs in the last few months. Even before I dislocated my knee, I couldn’t walk them together. Leo & Teddy travel at two decidedly different paces. Leo loves to run. Teddy is content with a just the car ride & seeing the park. He prefers to kick back & lounge in the grass. So, “B” has been there to fill in the gap my mother’s loss left. She used to walk Teddy, while I ran Leo. “B” was also the one who dropped everything the day I had to take Teddy in for surgery & stayed with me until we knew for sure he had made it through surgery. It was good to be there to help her celebrate, but the unfortunate thing about any family event with her family is the noticeable absence of my mother. She would have been there. She was always there for parties, special occasions at their house. But still, it was a nice way to pass the day even if it did suck on some level.

But I’m learning that’s how it goes. Every day, every thing, even if it’s good or ok, still sucks on some level.

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TheTruthAbout via flickr

Image: TheTruthAbout via flickr

(I’m getting bad about actually posting this on Saturdays….)

Saturday was actually a nice day. Started it out at my writing group. No writing, but we had a really great discussion about writing in general that was reaffirming.

Spent the afternoon watching TV & vegging out. It was raining, so perfect excuse to curl up on the sofa & do absolutely nothing.

Then in the evening, my oldest/best friend invited me over to dinner with her parents, sisters, husband, & kids. They are essentially my surrogate family. My friend, her mom, & her sister were the first people here the day my mother died. So, I love hanging out with them, even if it inevitably reminds me that my mom isn’t there. But, I guess that’s the price to be paid to have a few hours of distraction.

—–

Today, Sunday, actually proved to be the bad day. I miss having my mother to talk to. The unfortunate thing, at this point in my life, is that she was the one person who I could talk to about everything. So, today when I was thinking about somethings & everything, I realized there wasn’t one person who I felt I could call & talk to about it all. I really just started missing my mother, which of course led to tears. They come with the territory. I don’t know. I’d just like things to get easier–not necessarily the missing my mother (that I don’t expect to get easier), but how about life. It would just be nice.

Image: TheTruthAbout via flickr

Thanksgiving was fine. Spent part of the day with my mother’s family, including my grandmother, & the other part with family friends. All in all, it was fine. I really wasn’t expecting it to be difficult. As I said, Thanksgiving hasn’t been a big production in our family for years. That certainly was a welcome fact yesterday & probably did more to make it easy than having friends and family around.

Today was fine. Did a little work, ran some errands, played with the dogs, & just generally hung out & got some much needed sleep.

So, tomorrow Leo gets his sutures removed & I find out more details about what comes next. As much as I’m trying to focus on the fact that he’s ok today, I know tomorrow is still going to suck just because I’ll really have to think about what exactly does come next. But you know what, maybe there will be some decent statistics/odds. I’ll settle for decent. Good would be great. Fingers crossed & positive thoughts.

Today I finally got back to the gym. Haven’t been since…. Not that there was any connection between the gym & my mother’s death. I guess it was just part of my old routine that for some reason I hadn’t yet reintergrated into my new routine. So, we’ll see how good I am about going. Fingers crossed. It’s good for me.

It’s pouring rain now; a novelty here in LA. While I usually love the rain, I’m not such a big fan right now. The fact that I just drove home in it in the dark doesn’t help to improve my opinion. It’s not exactly conducive to a happy mood. But still, I’m ok today. And the day is over any way.

Another one down.

Oh, and don’t worry, I haven’t forgot about the upcoming holiday. Thanksgiving. Honestly, I’m not too worried about it. Thanksgiving really hadn’t been a major holiday for us in a while. Plus, I spent 10 years away from home on Thanksgiving. I’m kind of used to a low key Thanksgiving. For the most part that’s what this will be. I will be meeting up with a couple of my uncles & my grandmother to go eat dinner out–our family tradition. Yes, I’m definitely going to notice my mother’s absence. This is her family. Besides, she hated eating out & last year swore she wasn’t going to do it again. It’s my grandmother who is against anyone cooking. She doesn’t see why anyone should go to the trouble. My mother had planned to make a point of either cooking for the family this year or doing our own thing without her family. But now, I’m going on my own. After that, I’ll probably go to a family friend’s for dinner with my father. There should be enough distraction there that I won’t notice, but at the same time, I know I will. There’s no sense in fighting it or thinking otherwise. What I’m really dreading is Christmas. But I’m not ready to go there yet. I’m putting those plans off until I have to make a decision. Honestly, I’d be happy if the next 4 weeks would just disappear from the calendar this year. No chance of that I guess.

The 20th. Two months.

It feels like yesterday. It feels like a year ago. It doesn’t feel real. I really don’t get how all of those feelings are possible at the same time?

Found myself crying out of nowhere while on my way over to a family friend’s house for lunch. Maybe it was a line in the song I was listening to. I don’t know. I’ve gotten over trying to make myself look presententable after crying. I really don’t care anymore if I look like I’ve been balling.

I’m convinced these friends won’t leave me alone on the 20th. That’s fine with me.

Didn’t really do anything else today. Maybe that was on purpose, maybe it was subconscious. I don’t know. Just want the day over.

Leo’s doing fine. His energy level & mobility are back to where they were pre-surgery. Although, he’s supposed to be taking it easy. Hard to convince him of that. Tomorrow is his recheck for his sutures & possibly results. (BENIGN BENIGN BENIGN.)

New thing for the day: pickles in tuna & I didn’t gag.

Image: Kentigern via flickr

Currently listening to: Long Division by Death Cab for Cutie

Well, got 2,344 words today. So, I’m just over 5,500 words. Still woefully behind, but at least I did a good chunk of writing this weekend. The nice thing about this NaNoWriMo is that there are a total of 5 weeks this year. One more than usual. Weekends are the best time for marathon writing sessions to catch up, or at least make some headway.

The day started decently enough. Slept in for the first time in weeks. It feels like months since I last had nothing to do on a Sunday. While I have moments where I hate being alone, I find myself needing it nonetheless. I did catch up on some phone calls. Talked to my brother’s girlfriend. She brought up Christmas and an open invitation for us to spend Christmas with her family. That effectively brought my decent day to a crashing halt.

I spent the rest of the evening trying not to think about Christmas: the fact that my mother won’t be here, & the fact that I don’t have a clue what we are going to do. My family is very small. For the most part, Christmas was my mother, me, and my brother with her family thrown in for a couple hours, and my dad. I only ever missed one Christmas with my mother. I was 22 and I was studying for the year in Italy. I was ok with it. This is different. Then, I naively believed there would be a next Christmas. And at least there were 10 more. But now…. I’m trying not to think about it right now. But my mind wanders. I’ve had to yell at myself a couple times this evening, telling myself that I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to worry about this now. But of course, I still do. While my brother always spends sometime with his girlfriend’s family, the primary focus has always been our family. But now…. I appreciate the invitation, but I can’t fathom spending Christmas with her family. They’re nice people, but her parents are so different from my parents. Her mother is the antithesis of my mother. Her mother is politically conservative (Yes, a McCain supporter, complete with a framed & signed 8×10.), and a slightly fanatical Christian. My mother was incredibly liberal (She spent many years registered with the Peace & Freedom Party.), into New Age thinking, and followed Native American traditions. I know what’s really bothering me. The invitation reminded me that if/when my brother & his girlfriend get married & have children, her mother will be the only grandmother their children will ever know. That kills me. I hate that.

I can’t see my brother, my father, and me celebrating Christmas with them. Maybe we’ll stop by, but that can’t be the primary way we celebrate this Christmas. This is the first time I’ve thought, “I just want to skip the holidays, pretend they don’t exist.” I made it 7 weeks and 1 day before I thought that. I know we’re going to need to find some way to celebrate that feels right for us, for me. But I hate thinking about it. There’s plenty of time for me to obsess about it. I didn’t need to start today.

Image: mrlerone via flickr