With the end of week 4, I have come a third of the way through this process. I feel a real sense of accomplishment that I’ve stayed with the process and committed to it. Now, having said that, I will admit to being a little lax in working through this week’s tasks. As this week was about recovering a sense of integrity, I’m owning up to my slacking. That’s not to say that this week was a bad week. It was actually a good week full of some good things in terms of where I am mentally and creatively. (more…)

Today I was productive. I did the work I needed to get done. Although, I just realized I forgot to make a call to set up an interview. Crappy. Anyways, I got most of what I needed to get done today done.

While there were plenty of other things I could have done as well, around 3 this afternoon I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was going to write, work on my NaNoWriMo word count, but my head just wasn’t there. Maybe it was the weather. It was cloudy, gray, & cold. Not the kind of weather that makes you want to go outside & at least sit to get some fresh air. Maybe that’s what put me into a funk. Just started feeling really lost, lonely, & scattered. No crying for a change. I’ve lived on my own before, not for very long periods. It’s weird to have this house to myself all the time. Definitely feels like too much space. And I’m just not used to being in it alone. The dogs help, but still it’s not the same. I suppose I could consider moving, but the weird thing is when I do, I can’t imagine living anywhere else right now. Maybe sometime in the future, but for now this is home. So, I guess I’m still adjusting. I guess I’m still working on that new routine all these weeks later. This is going to take awhile I guess.

Image: Scarleth White* via flickr

So little time…I guess that could be true of life in general, but I’m talking in a day. Seriously, I don’t know how the day gets away from me. It’s not like I’m sitting around doing nothing. I’ve never been busier. I hardly watch TV anymore. I rarely get to read the blogs I used to read. And the only time I find for pleasure reading is in the hour before bed.

I got up early today, yet I didn’t get to half the stuff I’d planned to get to. A friend offered to help me walk the dogs this morning, so I took her up on the kind offer. Admittedly, that threw off my morning; but still, they needed it & it was a beautiful morning & a great way to start the day. I just can’t figure out where the rest of the morning & afternoon went, because I certainly didn’t do any writing in that time. I’ve really got to figure this out. I realize I’m trying to adjust to a new schedule. A lot of the stuff I have to do now, my mother took care of before, including much of the dogs care. So, now I’m trying to get all 3 of us on a schedule. It’s a work in progress.

Overall, ok day. At least it went by in a blur.

Image: ASurroca via flickr

Spent the morning having breakfast with my grandmother & then this afternoon carving pumpkins with friends. It’s the first time I’ve carved a pumpkin since I was probably 10. It’s all hi-tech now with battery operated carving knives & patterns. Gone are the days of nearly cutting off a finger with a butcher knife & triangle eyes and circular noses. I managed to escape intact. My pumpkin doesn’t look too bad–eyes, nose, mouth, teeth, and even ears & hair. I got a little carried away with the carving knife.

This evening a friend helped me take the dogs for a walk. They walk at different speeds; so it’s a 2 person job. They & I appreciated the outing.

I guess an ok day. It was just weird when a friend was saying, “Remember when you’re mother…,” and, “You need to tell your mother….” I thought they were talking about my mother. I thought they’d somehow forgotten. Then realized they were talking to someone else, about someone else’s mother. They weren’t talking to me, but it still hollowed me out.

It’s all weird. I not sure what to really think about any of it.

Today was fine, I guess. Did some work. A friend came over. Confirmed that I’m going up to Santa Barbara on Friday for the day. Hung out with the dogs.

I can’t say whether I felt good or bad today. I’m still not really feeling anything. I was just ok. I can live with that I suppose.

I feel like I should issue a disclaimer before I write, speak, or enter a room. Sorry to bum you out. I find myself closing every conversation, email, voicemail, & visit with those five words. My brother & I even found ourselves saying them to each other tonight on the phone. It managed to make us laugh. A good thing I guess. We’ve both realized that it’s tiring to say we’re “fine” or “okay” or “good.” Such simple words as those take too much energy, and they’re a lie. Even if in that moment we are “fine” or “okay” or “good,” it’s just that moment. And while we’re both just trying to get through the moments one by one, it’s the sum total of the moments that add up to a day that really say how we are. “Sucky.” “Shitty.” “Crappy.” Those are more accurate responses, but even they fail to accurately describe what we’re feeling. We’re both at a loss for words.

I’ve always found it so hard to tell someone how I really feel. To not just say, “I’m fine.” But now, it’s so easy. It’s much easier than trying to tell someone what they want to hear. It’s much easier than telling someone something that will make it easy for them. I don’t have the energy or the focus to put together the emotion to back up those false words. So, I’m honest, & I bum people out.

Everyone keeps telling me that it will help to get back into a normal routine. I’m trying, but I don’t know how much it is helping. If anything, my normal routine only makes her absence more noticeable. I leave during the day & have no one to say goodbye to. I come home at night & there is no one to say hello to. I feel bad for her dogs, my dogs. Every time I come in the door, they are so happy to see me, but then they both turn from me & look to the door waiting for her to come in. It kills. They don’t understand. I supposedly do & it doesn’t make it any easier.

God, I want to write a happy post, but I know I’m not there yet. Don’t think that I spend the day in tears or on the floor–even if there are more than a few moments each day that I fear I might land there. For the most part, I get through the day. I do what I’m supposed to do. I wake up. I talk to family & friends. I do work. I leave the house & I come home. I play with the dogs. But I do all of it feeling scattered & gutted (as my brother described it tonight.)

So, day 2 of being on my own was no different from day 1. No worse, no better. That’s about all I can say.

Sorry to bum you out.

Image: brianokellypictures via flickr