Image: clevercupcakes via flickr

Image: clevercupcakes via flickr

I’m another year older. To be honest, I have no problem with getting older. Mainly because I truly don’t feel my age. Although, I’m not entirely sure what 34 is supposed to feel like. Nor for that matter what 33 was supposed to feel like.  I joke that I’m really only turning 24 since the 30’s are the new 20’s. Not that I feel like I’m 24, but I do feel more like someone in their late 20’s. I guess because I’m at a stage where I’m all about figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. That’s what you’re supposed to do in your 20’s. Unfortunately, I don’t think I had lived enough to figure out or know what I wanted to do with my life or who I wanted to be during my 20’s. Now that I’m older and wiser (?), I feel like I can actually work through that process. (more…)

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Yes, it’s been awhile. I could blame life, but really I think it was laziness that got in the way of me posting.

Yes, life has been trying at times. Definitely some days that I couldn’t wait to get over with–specifically my mother’s birthday (May 9) & Mother’s Day (May 10). Yep, back-to-back. After I passed the 6-month mark in March, I think I became obsessed with how I would or wouldn’t get through that weekend in May. On the upside, I got through it with a trip out of town. I knew I couldn’t be home that weekend. I knew it would be too hard. Instead, I went to DC to spend it with my brother & a lot of really good friends, who for the most part did a great job of distracting me & keeping me busy. Admittedly, attending the wedding of one friend on my mother’s birthday was not ideal. It was a little hard to stand in the church & know that when/if I ever finally decide to get married, my mother won’t be there. That wasn’t a reminder I needed on her birthday. I had thought about skipping the wedding, but I knew I couldn’t. And in the end, as hard as it was to be there, I’m glad I was there. My brother & I dealt with Mother’s Day by essentially ignoring it. Sometimes, that really is the best way to deal with things.

I’m relieved to have made it through that weekend. These last 8 months of events/holidays to get through & get past  have been just that, things & days to get through & get past. Unfortunately, what I realized the day after I returned home was that getting through or past any of these events/holidays really doesn’t mean anything. Yes, I’ve gotten though the one, but there are a lifetime more to come. This just keeps going. Yes, I will admit that today was better than yesterday; but the reality is, however many days, months, or years pass between the day my mother died & where I am, the fact remains, she’s still not here.

God, depressing. I so didn’t mean for this post to be such a downer. (more…)

I’m going to admit something…and yes, it pains me to do so.

I have been listening to the new New Kids on the Block album non-stop for the last 2 weeks.

Nope, nothing else. I wish.

I have 5424 songs on my iPod, over 600 different artists, and 970 albums. And yet, I’m stuck on repeat with this one.

And no, I’m not listening to it because it’s in some way genius or ground-breaking for its genre. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not experimental on any level. Most of the lyrics are derivative. I would argue it’s a tad overproduced & it sounds like every other pop/R&B album out there. Plus, as a general rule, I don’t listen to pop or R&B.

So, why the hell am I, someone who considers Radiohead brilliant, Imogen Heap creative, Interpol & Damien Rice engaging, Silversun Pickups the best band to come out of LA in recent years, someone who makes a yearly pilgrimage to spend 3-days in the California desert at Coachella, unable to turn the damn thing off?

Maybe nostalgia. But mainly because, as I briefly mentioned in a previous post, it’s complete & utter fluff. And at the moment, the rest of the 969 albums on my iPod depress me, remind me, or require me to think. And those are just not things I really want to do when I listen to music right now.

There is not a serious or profound line to be had on this album, & I’m glad.

Yes, music heals, but it also reminds & drives my mood. I have enough external & internal influences that do that without music having its say as well.

I love music. I think the iPod was one of the greatest inventions ever. Before it existed, I’d been known to carry a 100-CD carrying case around Europe when traveling. I don’t like silence. I can’t drive without the radio on. I hate talk radio. I can’t read without something playing. I can’t write without something in the background. So the fact that all but 1 album on my iPod manages not to set me off in the wrong direction…I’m just rolling with it.

At this point, I’d thought I’d be tired of the damn thing. Really, I was sure this would come to an end sometime this weekend. Seriously, how many times can I listen to this thing?!?! Even I admit this is ridiculous & seriously screwing with my last.fm profile.

But as I sit here waiting for the vet to call to give me Leo’s prognosis with chemo, while trying not to be reminded that today is my brother’s 1st birthday without our mother, it’s the only thing keeping me from climbing the walls. So, I accept it & I’ll go hit repeat one more time.

Image: …..dotted….. via flickr

Started the morning off with breakfast with 2 of my uncles (my mother’s brothers). My grandmother was supposed to be there, but she wasn’t feeling well. I come from a very small family, & one that’s not incredibly close. So, now I find myself not minding these Sunday family breakfasts. Even if they are a little early. We discussed my grandmother’s care & me essentially taking over my mother’s responsibilities. They were fine with it. It makes it easier to know they’re ok with it. I’m sure they don’t mind.

Then spent the rest of the afternoon taking my father to lunch & to a movie for his birthday. Totally low key. I don’t think it was lost on either of us when he said he realized that yesterday he was 63, & then all of a sudden today he was 64, another year older. My mother’s not going to get another year older.

We saw Quantum of Solace. I loved Casino Royale, so I really wanted to see this. I like the Bond franchise as a whole, but I’m more of a Daniel Craig fan. Anyways, the movie was better than the reviews made it out to be, but I definitely feel like I need to see it again to get it. I feel like I missed a few things here & there. I will admit, I do think they didn’t give enough emphasis to a few threads that were mentioned early on in the movie. But, overall, I liked it. Good distraction.

This evening I hung out at a friend’s place. Once my father left, I wasn’t really in the mood to be home alone. Felt like I needed to be with people & talking. Now, I’m home watching The Notebook (never seen it before) & typing this.

So, 2 days until Leo’s surgery. I’m not so worried about the surgery. From everything I’ve been told, it sounds like he’ll be doing okay within a couple of days. I’m staying positive & just repeating over & over: It’s benign. It’s benign. It’s benign. Good thoughts.