I really can’t take much more.

9 weeks ago today my mother died. Today I got the results of my dog Leo’s biopsy results. The mass was malignant.

Not the news I wanted or needed. Believe me, I know life could be worse; but right now, it pretty much fucking sucks.

Having these dogs with me the last 9 weeks has helped me cope with everything. There’s nothing like a dog demanding to be let out or fed to get you out of bed every day. I’ve lost dogs before. But right now, I really can’t handle this. Maybe in a year. Maybe 2. Ok, realistically there will never be an easy time. But some time far off in the future would be much better than now.

I don’t have a lot of details right now. I kind of lost focus as the doctor was talking to me. So, I don’t really remember the specific name or anything else. All I remember is that she is checking on prognosis stats for chemo & no treatment. I should know more later this week, if not by Saturday when Leo goes back in to get his sutures removed.

You know, I could wrap my head around this better if he actually displayed symptoms of being sick. But he’s perfectly himself & every other test result, EXCEPT this biopsy, is normal.

I really miss my mom right now.

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Leo’s biopsy results weren’t in today when we went for his recheck. So, we have to wait 1 more day.

One more day of positive thoughts. That can’t hurt.


I should get biopsy results today on the lump removed from my dog Leo’s leg this past Tuesday.

It’s going to come back BENIGN & we can put this behind us, & move forward with our lives.

So, all positive thoughts appreciated.




Leo’s surgery went fine & he’s home now & sleeping. The vet removed the lump. She said part of it was fatty matter, but the other part was something else. So, now we wait for biopsy results which should be in on Friday.

Right now, he’s sleeping. I know I kid that these dogs are like the children I’ve always been apathetic about having. That couldn’t be more true tonight. I’m having to totally baby him. Leo is wearing one of those plastic cones around his neck to keep him from scratching or licking his incision. He can’t drink water from the bowl unless I hold it up for him. Plus I had to hand feed him his dinner. His right front leg & much of his chest has been shaved. He can’t really bend his leg, so he struggled for the first hour we were home trying to figure out how to lay down. Finally, I picked him up & put him on the sofa with me, & he figured out how to lay down & went right to sleep. I’m supposed to keep him quiet & restrict his movement–no running or jumping. So, I have to carry him up & down the stairs to go outside & to get up on the sofa. Luckily he’s only a medium sized terrier–27 lbs.

I’ll be honest. None of this is easy. I hate doing this on my own. My mother always handled the medical stuff, even with the dogs. I’m a little squeamish. But it’s just that she’s not here. It’s weird to be making all this decisions on my own.

So, we’ll just get through this recovery & after the results come back BENIGN on Friday, we can move on. Whatever moving on is.

(I would post a picture of Leo, but apparently I have none on my computer & my digital camera died so I can’t take any right now. Sorry.)

So, spent the better part of the afternoon & evening back & forth to the vet. Leo had his appointment with his regular vet. First time she’s seen him since this all started. (She was on vacation.) Let’s just say she was more concerned than all the other vets he’d seen in the past week & a half. She wanted to push forward with the surgery as soon as possible & then raised the concern of whether or not this was the only mass we were dealing with. She was worried that it might have spread to his chest. So, she kept him for a few hours to do pre-op blood tests & x-rays.

I spent those few hours at home freaking out & essentially having a breakdown. I can’t stand the thought of losing him. Not now. This is my dog. This was my mom’s dog. She took rescued him & took him in. It just dawned on me that the main reason I’m doing ok is because I have these dogs. They’re like children. I’m responsible for them. They get me out of bed in the morning. They demand that I feed them & play with them. They won’t let me stay curled up in bed depressed. They drag me outside. Without them, I’d be on the floor more often than not.

Alas, some good news. While there is a small lump visible in the x-ray in his chest, the vet wasn’t as concerned once she saw it on the x-ray. Her attitude is that if the larger lump in his armpit comes back benign then we’ll just monitor the one in his chest with x-rays every couple of months to see if it’s growing or not. The problem is we have no past x-ray of his chest to compare it to. We have old x-rays of every other part of his body, but not that part. So, the vet admits that the mass in his chest could have been there for a long time & always have been that size; or it is slow growing.

If the lump that is being removed comes back not benign (No, I’m not saying the word that equals “not benign”, because it’s benign!), then we’ll deal with it with whatever treatment comes next.

So, Tuesday is surgery day. He’ll just be in for the day & home in the evening. Biopsy results should then come in on Friday. The word of the week is: BENIGN.

Just keep repeating that.