life


So, for 2010 I’ve been able to come up with one word that I want to define this year, my “action word”/mantra if you will.

MOVEMENT

2009 helped me figure out what I want & need. 2010 is about making it happen. Besides, I’m really done with the emotional roller coaster of 2009. I have learned much in this past year, even from the difficult moments. But I’m ready to move forward & to put what I’ve learned to work.

I’ve learned that to make things happen I need to focus on the steps rather than the end product. I need to do the little things that would result in the big thing. I need to stop freaking myself out with the enormity of a project or task & instead just look at the smaller steps/pieces that would get me there. Yes, taking one step at a time might result in completion taking longer, but honestly, I have a better chance of completing things. Every day, I need to take some kind of action, some kind of movement on the things I care about, the things I want to do in my life whether it be finishing this novel, doing more freelance work, or getting a full-time job that I like and that gives me financial security and stability. If I do just one thing every day, I’ll be one step closer to these things becoming a reality. Movement creates. Procrastination, fear, & inaction create stagnation.

So, I need to move every day. That’s the goal for 2010. MOVEMENT.

Oh, and if you’re looking for help on figuring out your word for 2010, check out Christine Kane’s blog and her free worksheet on finding your “Word of the Year.”

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As 2009 draws to a close, I decided to look back at my post for January 1, 2009. In that post, I decided in lieu of New Years’ resolutions I was going to come up with 4 words that would define my life in 2009. I chose:

CONNECTED

CENTERED

ACTUALIZED

PROSPERED

I’d say that 2 out of 4 is where I’ve ended up at the end of the year. (more…)

Currently listening to: Cloud Nine by Ben Howard

I just tweeted:

Yes, still up & writing. Going w/it. This week: all abt going w/what feels good. My mind & soul r a bit beat. Being careful w/them.

If I’ve learned anything in the last 15 months of dealing with loss & grief, it’s to go slow, to take my time, to go with what feels right in the moment. Believe me, I’ve had more than a few people in the last year tell me to hurry up and move on, to dive into work, to drown myself in it until I’ve managed to forget. The problem is the death of a loved one cannot be forgotten. And avoidance only avoids your new reality. (more…)

Tonight my dog Leo lost his battle with cancer. Last November he was diagnosed with mast cell tumors. In May, he completed a round of chemo with flying colors. Unfortunately, as was expected, the tumors came back in August. We elected not to put him through another round of chemo knowing that it would only buy him another couple months. We wanted him to enjoy the rest of his time. Despite the tumors, he was a happy, hyper-active dog these last four months. But, tonight it was time. He was 12-years old. He will be very missed.

jalama

This is where I will be today.

Image: pOOfkAt via flickr

Image: pOOfkAt via flickr

Well, this is just weird.

In the mail today was a card addressed to my mother. Inside, a “Get Well” card signed by a bunch of people saying various things like:

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Our prayers are with you for your health and healing.

Both my brother & I read the card thinking maybe it was a sympathy card for us, but it’s clear that it is a “Get Well” card. The handwritten notes are about getting well, wishing her good health, and they’re all in the present tense. I even checked the post-mark to make sure the post office hadn’t somehow screwed up and sent this late. But still, that wouldn’t make sense. She wasn’t sick before she died. It was sudden & unexpected. (more…)

Image: nomenombres via flickr

Image: nomenombres via flickr

Today marks 1 week until the first anniversary of my mother’s death.

I’m facing it with a bit of dread, but also openness to wherever my emotions take me. I realize I can’t fight what is coming, or what already is. I’d rather let myself go with the flow. Neither bottling up nor putting off what is to come is going to make it any easier.

The last couple of days have been a bit rough. At first I just thought it was because of other life drama, but then I realized I was reacting more emotionally to situations that at any other time I would have let slide. So, I’ve just given myself permission to overreact right now. Most of the people around me know what is going on and have thankfully forgiven me and my mood. (more…)

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