Image: nomenombres via flickr

Image: nomenombres via flickr

Today marks 1 week until the first anniversary of my mother’s death.

I’m facing it with a bit of dread, but also openness to wherever my emotions take me. I realize I can’t fight what is coming, or what already is. I’d rather let myself go with the flow. Neither bottling up nor putting off what is to come is going to make it any easier.

The last couple of days have been a bit rough. At first I just thought it was because of other life drama, but then I realized I was reacting more emotionally to situations that at any other time I would have let slide. So, I’ve just given myself permission to overreact right now. Most of the people around me know what is going on and have thankfully forgiven me and my mood.

Over the past year, I’ve found myself obsessed with the 20th, each one marking another month that has passed. In the coming week, I find myself obsessed with 2 additional dates: today, the 13th of September, and next Saturday, the 19th. These two dates are significant because they’re the only two days in the weeks leading up to her death that I can specifically remember what I did with her on those days and exact words that were said. All the other days before and in between are a blur. The most frustrating fact of this whole experience is that I have no trouble remembering every moment of the day she died–all the images and all the words are seared in my memory as much as I try to erase them; but I struggle to remember the details of all the other days.

So, I don’t know how today is going to go. I don’t know how the next week is going to go. And I certainly don’t have a clue how next Sunday is going to go. I’m taking it minute by minute. There’s no other way to do it. I’ll get through it. I’ll survive it. This is just reality. This is the present moment and the only way to get past it is to live through it. So, I’m just going with it.