justindc via flickr

Image: justindc via flickr

My brother & I have agreed to let our mother’s cell phone account lapse. We held on to it because it was the only recording we had of her voice. In the immediate weeks & months after she died, we kept saying we might want to hear it again. So, we paid on it & kept it.

I’ve kept the phone on & charged. Other than the LA Times calling to ask if she’d like to renew her subscription, it’s been silent. It’s been hard enough to hear her Beach Bogys’ Good Vibrations ringtone. I have never called it to hear her voice. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it even though I’m struggling to remember her voice. I guess I’m more afraid of what hearing it will do to me than what forgetting it over time will do.

My brother admitted tonight that he called it a couple months ago. He said it was hard to hear & couldn’t imagine himself doing it again. So, we agreed. We’re letting it go. So, now I’ll need to unplug the phone, turn it off, & stash it in a drawer until I can let it like everything else go.

Why does such a stupid thing have to be so fucking hard? This doesn’t get any easier.