I really can’t take much more.

9 weeks ago today my mother died. Today I got the results of my dog Leo’s biopsy results. The mass was malignant.

Not the news I wanted or needed. Believe me, I know life could be worse; but right now, it pretty much fucking sucks.

Having these dogs with me the last 9 weeks has helped me cope with everything. There’s nothing like a dog demanding to be let out or fed to get you out of bed every day. I’ve lost dogs before. But right now, I really can’t handle this. Maybe in a year. Maybe 2. Ok, realistically there will never be an easy time. But some time far off in the future would be much better than now.

I don’t have a lot of details right now. I kind of lost focus as the doctor was talking to me. So, I don’t really remember the specific name or anything else. All I remember is that she is checking on prognosis stats for chemo & no treatment. I should know more later this week, if not by Saturday when Leo goes back in to get his sutures removed.

You know, I could wrap my head around this better if he actually displayed symptoms of being sick. But he’s perfectly himself & every other test result, EXCEPT this biopsy, is normal.

I really miss my mom right now.

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.