Had to hold & look at my mother’s death certificate again today. It’s been a couple of weeks. I’ve hidden it in an envelope, at the bottom of a drawer that I don’t need to open for any other reason. I don’t like stumbling upon it. I needed it to close some accounts. Couldn’t put it off any longer. Had to pull it out again.

I hate how a piece of paper with a bunch of words causes me to hyperventilate & cry.

I really don’t understand how a piece of paper telling me she’s officially dead can affect me while at the same time the reality of her death doesn’t feel real. I don’t fucking get it. It’s totally ridiculous. I know I’m scattered & disconnected. I know I’m floating around all this. But I don’t get how in the midst of such a feeling that a piece of paper can depress me.

It doesn’t help that the weather is blah today. Overcast & gray. I know I complain that LA lacks seasons; but today, clear skies & sunshine would be much appreciated. This gloom is not helping my mood.

As far as NaNoWriMo goes…it’s not. I haven’t done anything since Saturday morning. Officially behind. I am going to do the 50K this month, but I guess the last couple of days haven’t been good & I just can’t get my head into it. Excuses, excuses. I should just write. I know that. I also know that I’m avoiding. I’m at the beginning of Chapter 1–the hard part. Getting started is always the worst; at least getting started when you know where you need to end up. It’s easier to get started when you have no plan. Although figuring out where to go in the middle & in the end can be just as difficult. I guess either way it’s hard. Excuses, excuses. I need to stop & just write.

On a positive front (because this post could use a little positive right about now), when I was driving home last night I had an idea for how to proceed with draft #2. It would be incredibly untraditional–very dialogue heavy. I guess the best model would be Someone I Loved by Anna Gavalda. I’m not entirely sure how it would work quite yet, but something about it rings true & goes back to what I know I do well, as well as to the simplicity I was looking for. I’ll play. Playing is good. Anything to get me going at this point.

Image: TrevorLowe via flickr