My father decreed this morning that we would both have good days today.

I guess I kept up my end of the bargain.

It was a decent day. Spent most of it with my grandmother, taking her to a doctor’s appointment. My mother used to handle all this stuff; now I’ve taken it on. I could have one of my uncles do it, but my mother & I always felt that they weren’t exactly proactive when she had a complaint or ailment. I guess it’s the control freak in me that can’t let it go. But it’s also about wanting to keep up the standard of care my mother gave my grandmother, & being there for her now that her daughter is not. I realize that if this is as hard on anyone else as it is for my brother & I, it’s hard on my grandmother. She lost a daughter–her third & last daughter. She also lost the child she was probably closest to. I find myself clinging to her now. She’s 88 & has said she’s ready to go. Her health is decent for an 88-year-old. She still lives alone & gets around with only the help of a cane. She looks much younger than other women her age. Even if she’s ready to go, I’m not ready. At least right now. We were the bookends to my mother. I’m not ready to be left alone yet.

Crap, I’m crying. I wasn’t & now I am.

My father hasn’t filled me in on how his day went yet. I worry so much about how my brother & grandmother are handling all this that I forget that this has to be hard on him. Yes, they’d been divorced for over 20-years; but, in recent years they’d become friends again. I know for him her loss brings up alot of guilt and regret. He’s said as much. I’ve told him that whatever their issues, my mother had long forgiven him & let them go. For so long my mother was the primary (& sometimes single) parent. Now, it’s his turn. My brother & I might be on either side of 30, but we still need a parent to raise us.

Today was ok, but full of reminders. It’s hard.

I hate this.

Image: peasap via flickr