Well, today I managed not to have a breakdown. A few tears, but nothing devastating. Still an incredibly heavy feeling hanging over me all day. To say it was a good day is weird. But I guess relatively speaking it was an okay day. I know that this was an anomaly.

Didn’t do much today. We played some online Scrabble & rented some movies. I’m lowering my standards & watching Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Went to dinner with a friend. Nice to get out of the house.

There is still so much to do & deal with, but I’m not rushing it. It will be there tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that.

I guess in a way I was able to ignore the reality today. Yes, I had to take care of a few things that did nothing but remind me. But still, I guess I was able to put it out of my mind or at least suppress it.

This morning I decided to create a daily TO DO list. Nothing major. Today just included: go to bank; return phone call; tighten screw on the bathroom doorknob. Got it all done, except the doorknob–couldn’t find a small enough screwdriver. Just going to try & have a few little things to do each day. Who knows, maybe it will help.

I started to do some research for a freelance article. The idea comes out of all this. We’ll see where it takes me. Doing the research gave me something else to do today. A way to feel like I’m being productive or at least moving forward, even when I don’t want to.

I need to start going through her things. I’m dreading it. I want to do it while my brother is still here. I can’t fathom doing it alone. But I’m not ready. I know that when we start it’s going to sink in that this is permanent. She’s not coming back. I will never see her again or have a conversation with her again. Even though I know it’s real, it’s unimaginable.

I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I really don’t know what I’m doing. This is surreal. I really wish there was a how-to manual for this, but there isn’t.

Just one hour at a time.

Image: dsygrl9 via flickr

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